Experts Believe Buffalo Missouri To Be Possible ISIS Capitial

Buffalo resident Jeff Markum sipped his coffee early Monday morning as if it were any other day. "I was actually just about to leave for work when it happened. I dropped my coffee quicker than a rabbit that wandered into a dog pen." Jeff told BS News that when he opened his front door he saw a large group of ISIS members chanting "Death to America" as they made their way to Hip Pocket Pizza.

This comes only a few days after the discovery that Sayfra Yassin was posting a number of hateful and deadly tweets on Twitter. Local expert and watcher of Fox News Bert Willstein says between Yassin's imprisonment, and the group of armed terrorists on their way to eat a pizza with homemade cracker crust, there's never been more proof that Buffalo has been invaded by ISIS.

"I've been telling everyone for years that ISIS would invade America," Willstein told us as he polished a loaded bazooka, "I just never though it would be on my own front door." Outside, Willstein's 9 year old son was placing "Don't Tread On Me" stickers across the front of the house to help keep the murderous radicals from entering the home.

City officials say that between a popular sidewalk crumbling from heavy use in the city square and a terrorist organization setting up camp, this is going to be a busy week for Buffalo.

DNA Evidence Shows Springfield Mayor Closely Related To Matt Damon

Springfield, Missouri mayor Bob Stephens was absolutely flabbergasted when DNA test results came back showing he was closely related to famous movie star Matt Damon. Earlier this week, Mr. Stephens told reporters he "had a hunch, but had never been certain." After submitting both a hair and toenail sample at COX South hospital, he was informed shortly later than he was the star's brother's aunt's twice removed uncle.

The world fought back tears as a glassy eyed Matt Damon told reporters he was "elated." "I've always felt something for the city of Springfield," Damon informed us, "Now I'm going to have more Chinese food and homeless people than I'll ever know what to do with." Damon and the mayor plan to have dinner at the Hong Kong Inn next month.

Buffalo Missouri Resident Buys New Truck With Duramax AND Powerstroke

BS News received word of an uncommon event unfolding at a local auto dealer; a young man was purchasing a new truck, and we got there before he even had time to shower photos on Facebook. Buffalo resident Terry Marsh told us he had been planning on trading in the Toyota Prius he and his wife had been sharing for over a year. "There was only about enough room for three strings of Crappie," Terry told us in an interview, "and I ain't gonna stand for that."

One of the most popular gas stations in the small town told us they are in full support of Marsh's decision. The owner informed us they've been secretly paying young men to drive large trucks for years. "Once one of 'em has a big 'ole truck, the rest of 'em follow. Means big money at our 'lil 'ole station. Can't hardly keep enough gas for 'em all." Mr. Marsh was filling his tank and talking to local friends about the truck's Powerstroke Duramax motor and 60" muddin' wheels.

'Jurassic World' Found To Be Based On A True Story

With the new Jurassic World bringing in nearly $100 million in just one day, it's no surprise to find it dominating Facebook status' and Twitter feeds across the board. What few going into the new film are aware of though, is that it is based a true story. Director Colin Trevorrow says they avoided mention of the real world events as the team felt it would detract from the excitement and fun the movie otherwise brings. 

Trevorrow detailed the events exclusively to BS News, pointing out that many of the concepts behind Jurassic World were based on the wild bird escape at the World Bird Sanctuary in St Louis in 2012. Over 70 wild, vicious birds escaped their cages and massed on the crowds enjoying their captivity. Alfred Hitchcock himself could not have predicted the carnage a group of angry Egyptian Vultures could bring to the Martin family. 11 year old James was particularly traumatized as one of the vultures took his ice cream cone. James and the Martin family have consumed poultry as their sole source of meat since the incident took place.

According to Trevorrow, the Mosasaur (pictured above) was based on a chicken hawk that swooped down and ruffled a young girl's hair as her family made their escape from the sanctuary. In another scene, without giving too much away, Chris Pratt is seen charming and commanding Velociraptors. The director informed us there have been many instances throughout history of attractive Americans making dinosaurs do their bidding. "Somewhere around 1200 CE, Emily Blunt is recorded as using a Tyrannosaurus Rex to weed her garden." - Abraham Lincoln 

You Won't Believe How Tom Cruise Looks After Plastic Surgery

From the Academy Awards Ceremony. Why go so far just to please a crowd?

Why would anyone go this far? Ppl r so dmb.

You'll notice the eyebrows being far overdone in his latest surgery.

Neck-defining surgery is all the rage in Hollywood. For every like this post gets, his neck will shrink an inch!

Just be yourself. Don't let others make you who you are like Tom did in his new action film, "The Avengers." 

Richard Branson To Relocate Virgin Mobile Empire to Branson, Missouri

In an announcement that defies belief, Richard Branson has reportedly decided to relocate his Virgin Mobile Empire to Branson, Missouri. He claims that he was actually named after the city carrying a population of less than 12,000. Mr. Branson told us in an interview,"I went there once to see a Christmas special at Silver Dollar City. It was truly magnificent, and after a short walk along Table Rock Lake, I knew that I would always be part of it." Travelers often spot Branson enjoying a sampler platter at Joe's Crab Shack every few months. The plan includes the building of over 16 headquarter buildings and 10 virgin mobile stores to service the local community. "I'm sure everyone will have a hard time adjusting from Verizon and ATT," Branson told us later in the interview, "but I'm Richard Branson."

These pictures of tables will make you question everything

Square Oak Table

No need to consult the PH scale, this table is just plain BASIC! Some question why the carpenter ever wasted his time creating an atrocity like this. I would much rather breath the air produced by what this table once was than ever display any of my valuables in such a bland manner.

Round Oak Table

Where's King Arthur, amirite? This table is the roundest around and you would be hard-pressed to find a player that isn't after this beauty. Anyone who's anyone pays the extra $8.65 at Walmart to get this work of art over the (eck!) square oak table.

Woot Woot! Yard Sale!

'nuff said.

The Mona Lisa

This is the table you might one day find featured in a New York Times bestseller. This table has a story. Some lumberjack didn't just find a tree and make an axe crap out some wooden filth to set things on; he had a dream. He used his body hair, sweat, and tears to make it come alive. This table isn't meant for setting your belongings on, but to place your heart and soul within it.