Wednesday, September 16, 2015

DNA Evidence Shows Springfield Mayor Closely Related To Matt Damon


Springfield, Missouri mayor Bob Stephens was absolutely flabbergasted when DNA test results came back showing he was closely related to famous movie star Matt Damon. Earlier this week, Mr. Stephens told reporters he "had a hunch, but had never been certain." After submitting both a hair and toenail sample at COX South hospital, he was informed shortly later than he was the star's brother's aunt's twice removed uncle.

The world fought back tears as a glassy eyed Matt Damon told reporters he was "elated." "I've always felt something for the city of Springfield," Damon informed us, "Now I'm going to have more Chinese food and homeless people than I'll ever know what to do with." Damon and the mayor plan to have dinner at the Hong Kong Inn next month.

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